I'm seeking a spiritual sweet spot.
A former church girl gets a tarot deck. End of story, right? For me, it's just the beginning.
Hi. I’m Katie. This newsletter is a place for the woo curious to explore spirituality, culture, and humanity in an intersectional way. Here’s what I’m thinking about this week…
A huge part of my perspective on life and spirituality was shaped by my Baptist upbringing. I have so much to say about my years in the pew, but it’s only been recently that I’ve been able to write about it in a way that doesn’t just focus on the negative impact it had on me.
When I first started dabbling in other means of spirituality, I thought doing so was the final chapter in a decades-long rejection of my biblical past. Surprisingly, what I found instead were delicate threads of connection between the two extremes. It is here, in the in between, that I feel most called to explore my spirituality.
One of the goals of this newsletter is to seek what I call a spiritual sweet spot. This short essay shows you where I’ve been on this journey. Where I am now. And where I hope to go next.
Some of my earliest memories were moments spent in the confines of a church.
Feet kicking the backs of stiff, wooden pews. Sitting and standing in tandem, the translucent pages of hymnals fluttering as we searched for the right page.
I remember the way the sunlight would hit the top of the long panel of stained glass right at the tail end of the service, acting as a sundial that let me know that the endless droning of the pastor would soon cease. I remember the promise of lunches spent at the local Pizza Hut: the thick plastic glasses filled with water, cinnamon sticks and more stained glass in the form of the lamps that swung over each table.
You could say that I was raised in the church. And you wouldn’t be wrong. I spent Wednesday nights reciting Bible verses for fake money to exchange for trinkets. Saturday afternoons dressed head to toe in black, my white-gloved hands moving in unison with other kids to the dulcet tones of Michael W. Smith. Early mornings in Sunday school, followed by Sunday service, followed by running up and down the pews while my parents stood around and chatted.
I spent years of my life under the eye of the steeple. I have spent even more years trying to escape the searing eye of God as told to me by white Christianity.
Like many millennials, I walked away from the church in my mid-20s, disillusioned with what it stood for and curious about who I was outside of the markers of organized religion. Once I shed the heavy, heavy mantle of KJV verses, performative worship postures and the last drops of the baptismal water that clung to me like an oily sheen, I felt free. Curious.
Yet I still was searching for something. I have called myself an atheist, a former fundie, an ex-Baptist. I defined myself by the absence of belief. But truthfully, when I left the church, a heavy stone of expectation, burden and restriction was rolled away, but I still had to confront the empty grave that remained.
For many years, I left it vacant. I was scared of returning to the trauma, the impossible expectations and the problematic views of religion. But after facing a divorce, a pandemic and a complete uprooting of my life, I needed to cling to something. I just knew it could not be the cross anymore.
In an act of defiance, I turned to tarot, to astrology, to anything that would have caused the elders in my Baptist church to add me to the prayer list for tangoing with the devil. I found beauty here, but I also found another brand of extremism: one where people were consumed with spiritual status in the form of starseeds, fascinating former lives and becoming profitable gurus while abandoning their humanity.
The same saviorism, gatekeeping and the problematic silencing of human issues that I hated in the church were replicated, but this time, cunningly hidden beneath constellations and crystal-studded veneers. The heavy hand of capitalism picked up my tarot deck and shuffled, and with each card it drew, I moved further away from my humanity.
I stand here now, seeking a spiritual sweet spot. In my hand, I hold the World, the final card in the major arcana of the tarot. The syllables of the Bible verse John 3:16 roll around in my head like a mantra. For God so loved the world…
Both feel true to me. Yet each alone is not enough. Cannot be enough.
I wonder where the space is between these extremes. If I can find it.
✨Cards for Humanity: Temperance✨
Whether you’re into tarot or not, here’s a few things to consider about this weird thing called life.
Sandwiched between the difficult lessons of Death and the Devil, the 14th card in the major arcana offers a much-needed reminder to step away from extremism in moments when it feels easier to let the pendulum swing wildly from side to side in our life.
With the alchemical sign of fire on his chest and one foot in the water, the angel of Temperance reminds us to seek a sweet spot between yin and yang, lunar and solar, action and reflection. Doing so will bring us much-needed clarity and peace.
I’m always drawn to the cups in the hands of Temperance: how is he pouring the water with such precision? It’s a gravitational impossibility for water to flow like this, yet the angel seems totally relaxed and certain that the flow will be maintained and supported by his actions, so long as he trusts the process and keeps his balance.
When Temperance appears in a reading, it gently suggests for us to interrogate where we are being asked to bring balance and equilibrium to a set of constantly-tipping scales. The rays of light that illuminate the head of the angel are echoed in the sun that rises in the background: in moments when we find our balance, we are able to understand deeper truths about ourselves and life.
✨Prompts | Temperance✨
Meditate. Journal. Pull some cards.
☀️ Where in my life do I need to keep my feet planted firmly on the ground?
☀️ Where in my life do I need to dip my toes into the water of my emotions?
☀️ What certainties are dawning on me?
☀️ How can I cultivate more peace in my life?
A painting / a song / a poem to represent Temperance.
✨Weekly Mantra✨
Write it down. Say it out loud. Share it with a friend.
I am a unique blend of many different energies.
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As a middle school teacher who loves her kids, the legislation against transgender youth out of Texas upset me deeply. I’m big on using the skills I have to help in some small way, so I teamed up with two other women in the woo world to raise funds for Thrive Youth Center in San Antonio, a nonprofit which supports transgender youth with medical care, housing and transitional services. We’re raffling off three services: an astrology reading, a virtual reiki session and a tarot session.
To enter, Venmo @katiekraushaar ($15 for one entry; $25 for two entries; $33 for three entries). We’ll draw a winner for each service on Friday, March 11th. 100% of the proceeds will go directly to Thrive. And if you can’t donate? Feel free to share with a friend who might be interested.
For transparency purposes, I will share the total amount collected on my Instagram account and proof of donation.
Your beginning is similar to mine but fortunately I left the church with no real negatives, it was just a matter of realizing it left too many unanswered or poorly answered questions than seemed right. I was already leaning into my new path while I was still attending church and it was a gradual seperation. I dont particularly subscribe to the starseed or other new new agey ideas either. As to gatekeeping and money making, I just practice the old keep what works, toss the rest. If people dont like how you practice your spirituality, they can kick rocks because ultimately its yours and not theirs. As an aside back to the beginning of your post, the photo reminds me of my family back in the 80s It was a whoa I remember that throwback 😄
Gosh I really love your writing and continue to relate to it so much. I'm a recovering Catholic....I think? Am I still Catholic? I don't know - I don't think so? I'm actually really struggling at the moment with dropping what was such an integral part of my life for years (I even went to a Catholic high school where I was VERY involved with the religious clubs there). I can't support a Church that doesn't support equal rights for all though. Am I Episcopal now? How do I raise my kids to have a good religious foundation that I am still grateful I received, without having to exhaustively point out every time I disagree with something the Church has done and continues to do? My kids are old enough for First Communion and with all the programming I've had in my early catechism years, it feels WRONG to not have them go through it. But don't get me started on how difficult the Church makes it on keeping members, especially families...so many hoops. Anyway, all this to say that I see you and I'm working through my own questions as well. I very much miss the comforting rituals and words and music, but not enough to overcome the misogyny and homophobia, among other things. Thank you for writing this!