I'm sick of self care.
Self care is so lonely. I'm looking for ways to connect after a season of isolation.
Hi. I’m Katie. This newsletter is a place for the woo curious to explore spirituality, culture, and humanity in an intersectional way. Here’s what I’m thinking about this week…
In 2016, I took over 200 barre classes. I went through a phase in 2017 where I was SO good at flossing and did it daily—I got the best dentist review ever at my six-month checkup. According to Goodreads, I read 60 books in 2018. Back in March of 2019, I wrote a blog post every single day of the month.
I am no stranger to commitment. But these days, the patterns I want to keep seem to elude me.
I have broken down and had major cry sessions four five times in 2022. I have ordered Chipotle once a week for the past three months because I can’t seem to find the energy to cook, something I once loved to do. I have checked out 26 books from the public library and finished exactly one.
It’s not that I have lost all of my routines. But the ones I’m best at keeping are not ones that I’m proud to stick to.
When we lose steam on the routines that hold us together, society’s answer is usually a resounding recommendation of self care. Offers of CBD gummies, meditation apps and soul-searching workshops crowd my inbox, each promising to help bring me home to myself. My Instagram feed is filled with tarot challenges and breathwork sessions. My life is full of opportunities to take care of myself. It seems simple: all I have to do is…do the thing. Put on the soothing music. Draw the bath. Open the journal. Right?
The pandemic was the ultimate excuse for unfettered, endless self care moments, especially for me. In February of 2020, I got divorced and moved into an apartment that I shared only with my cats. When it came to “alone time,” I had plenty of it. Now that we’re sorta kinda emerging from the isolation phase of the pandemic, I feel like I should be a self care expert and have all of my routines down to a science. I should have thirty new hobbies, a thriving vegetable garden and a meal plan. But instead, all that I have to show for the past two years is a dusty bookshelf and a butternut squash that I bought back in February, slowly rotting in a bowl on my kitchen island.
I default to self blame for my lack of self care. What did it say about me that, when given all of this time to better myself, I just…hadn’t?
The thing I’ve come to realize about self care is that it can feel really lonely. It’s in the name. You’re meant to sit by yourself and paint your toenails, do a face mask or read a book. Now that the world is cautiously, tentatively opening back up, I’m realizing that a lot of my inability to keep it together stems from the compounded trauma of being isolated.
When I’m lonely, doing the normal things like cooking or reading or cleaning the toilet feel pointless. And the solution isn’t more alone time. When I’m struggling, sitting alone in a tub with a bath bomb fizzing around me sounds like the worst possible thing. It just leaves more room for my mind to run amuck, with no one but me to stop it from going completely rogue. And I can barely remember to close the cabinet doors that I open…I don’t stand a chance against my worst invasive thoughts.
In these moments, I don’t need self care. I need community care. I want to talk to people over a cup of something warm. I want to be in the same space as someone else as we both journal quietly. I want to know that, in moments when I am falling apart, that my community won’t douse me with essential oils, shove a yoga mat in my hand and tell me to go be alone and self care it all away.
I don’t expect my community to be my therapist, to go grocery shopping for me or to tell me to call my mom. My community can’t heal my anxiety, and it can’t guarantee that I will never, ever feel lonely. But I don’t think the answer to healing my loneliness is more loneliness.
I wonder what self care would look like if it were a collective undertaking and we normalized connecting with each other as a form of taking care of ourselves. Our hyper-independent Western society tells us that the most empowering way to heal is to do it alone, divided from the support of others. There’s subtle messaging that it’s more noble to regulate yourself by yourself. Doing so is “taking care of your mental health” and “checking out so you can check back in.” Society applauds us for closing the door and doing some yoga alone so that we’re fit to be around other people. It’s less kind when we show up as our messy selves and admit that we need the help of others to get it together.
I’m working on not feeling like I’m weak when I acknowledge that solo self care just isn’t enough. It’s human to need the love and support of other humans in times where everything feels unstable, and it’s even more human to admit that and seek it out.
I don’t plan on stopping my at-home yoga practice or giving up my morning gua sha ritual I do on the days that I remember. Time alone is valuable and important, and many of the solo practices that I have adopted have helped me tremendously. Instead, I plan on being intentional about asking my community for support and being honest about the things I’m struggling with. When we connect over these shared experiences, we can heal a little of that loneliness and reclaim the joyful routines we once kept.
I didn’t go on a walk this weekend. I listened to zero podcasts. But I had coffee with a new friend this week, and we talked about life, our struggles and our hopes.
And you know what I did when I got home? I cracked open book #2.
Has self care felt lonely for you? How are you taking care of yourself by staying connected?
✨Cards for Humanity: The Five of Pentacles✨
Whether you’re into tarot or not, here’s a few things to consider about this weird thing called life.
These two have had it ROUGH. Their hunched stances, the visible injuries, the bare feet against the harsh cold of the snow…could things get worse? The Five of Pentacles shows up when we don’t have much more to give. Our resources are depleted, our will is being tested, and we simply don’t have the fortitude to go on much longer. Our health suffers, our pockets are empty, and we feel really, really alone.
What’s left to do when you literally have nothing left? For these two, the only option is to seek out the help of the community, pictured here as the warm, inviting light of a church. The presence of stained glass in the tarot indicates a higher power or a form of spiritual guidance that will assist those who seek it out. And the Five of Pentacles reminds us that sometimes, we do have to ask for help in very direct ways. We have to walk through the doors of the church and let someone else care for us. When our basic needs are met and we are supported by the resources of others, we can heal so that we can walk forward into what’s next for us.
When you see this card in a reading, it’s time to check in on your resources and to get honest about where you need to ask for help. Even if it feels like a hopeless endeavor to keep moving forwards towards the light, trust that being honest and vulnerable with your community will ensure that you are cared for. A safe harbor awaits you…all you need to do is ask.
✨Prompts | The Five of Pentacles✨
Meditate. Journal. Pull some cards.
☀️ Where do I need to ask for help in my life, and what does that sound like?
☀️ What needs healing in my life, and what resources will help me regain my strength?
☀️ How can I stay connected to my higher purpose, even in moments of difficulty?
☀️ Where in my life do I need to allow myself to be cared for by my community?
A poem to represent the Five of Pentacles.
✨Weekly Mantra✨
Write it down. Say it out loud. Share it with a friend.
I lean on the support of my community.
If you’re craving a little community + a little tarot, I’m launching a book club over Tarot for Change by Jessica Dore starting this Friday. If you want in, just drop me a line.
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I don't think self care means being alone. To me it means doing what you feel you need to do to nourish yourself. And that may well be seeking the company of others. I love how you reference community care. That sounds a great way to seek self care.
Because it’s how the universe works, the email that followed yours in my inbox was titled, “find yourself care squad”. https://mysweetdumbbrain.substack.com/p/find-your-self-care-squad?r=89jrh&utm_medium=ios
It would never have occurred to me that self-care had to always be a solitary act. Absolutely part of self-care is community and connection. I also love your eagle meme above!