Thank you so much for sharing your story! I was diagnosed with anxiety about four years ago. I had had panic attacks all throughout high school but my mom refused to acknowledge them and get me the help that I needed.
One day, Matt came home from work and I literally just started yelling at him about every and anything: his hair, clothes, the fact that I thought he entered the house too loudly, etc. I stead of yelling at me, he sat next to me on our couch and said, “Honey, I really think you need to talk to the doctor. You always seem to be on edge.”
And that’s when I knew it was up to ME to get myself the help that I needed. I was extremely scared of being put on Lexapro. I had seen the commercials for the medication and the never ending list of potential side effects. I was afraid that the Lexapro would change who I was. I loved myself, but not the constant feeling of worry that always plagued me. I was ready for a positive change.
Now, I feel like the absolute best version of myself. I still feel like me. I’m just so much calmer. The sky is no longer falling. And the panic attacks have vanished. Instead of falling apart when something unexpected happens (like I used to), I pivot and keep going.
We are in this together, Katie! You are one of the strongest women I know. Bipolar disorder is what you have, not who you are!
Thank you, Lauren! I really appreciate this comment. I am at the point where I am ready to think about medication, but I'm not going to lie--it terrifies me. I have a whole other post brewing in my head about my creativity and how much of it I attribute to the unmedicated brain I have. I fear that medicine will wipe out my creativity...but I also think that's a very fear-based thought that I need to work through. Stories like yours help me understand that there is a version of a medication story that is positive. So really, thanks for sharing that.
You *will* have to rediscover your creative voice as you manage your medication. There may be a period of mourning as you will put to rest the euphoria that comes with the disorder, and it feels like you've left a part of yourself behind. But you'll gain a sense of rest you may have never known existed. Just like you never knew the difference in blues. For me, without medication, I lived life at breakneck Technicolor speed, but it was impossible to maintain healthy relationships. Medicated I was slower, more deliberate, and more calculated in my thought patterns. My creativity stewed instead of exploded, and I adapted. It's a hard balance! There is a reason why the bipolar community rejects medication so much. But IMO it's worth it. Being medication compliant allows me many securities like a stable marriage, my own business and managing four kids and I don't think those would be as possible without.
So much love to the child in you who needed love, care and acceptance but met a world that said you should be able to “be better”. Sigh. Lots of prayers and love to you.
I have bipolar 2 as well. Welcome to the brilliant, beautiful company of neurodivergents that we are :) You see the world with more vibrance than many and there is no shame to be had. I'm so sorry for the mother wound and I relate deeply. What a journey...
Thanks, Michelle. You inspired me a lot because I knew that you had been so open about your diagnosis, so thank you for that. I love my mom a lot, and I know that she loves me too. I guess I'm trying to figure out how to make space for loving myself as I am (a person with a mental health diagnosis) and also trying to be better for those who love me. It is really, really hard.
I'm bipolar type 1 and have been on medication since 2015. Morning pill to prevent depression which my psychiatrist says I could come off of if I really wanted to, but that he doesn't think it makes any real difference apart from giving me assurance that I am on less medication. (I did reduce my dosage recently by half, and haven't felt any change in mood.) There are no long-term side effects to this medication so there is no strong case for coming off it. The evening pill, however, is a different matter. There /are/ cardiovascular side effects, but I can't come off it because it prevents mania. And that is extremely dangerous. So this one I have to keep taking until I die and just have to monitor my blood fats and sugars and live a healthy lifestyle (diet, exercise, etc.).
Apart from making me drowsy in the evening after taking the evening pill (and its side effects of course), medication hasn't had any adverse impact on my life. Without medication, I'd probably still be in the psych ward, and that's not a nice place to be. So to this end I'm grateful I was put on it.
If you're considering medication, the most important thing I'd say is to find a psychiatrist who will educate you well on the side effects, short- and long-term. And know what the implications are of being on it: Is it a temporary thing? Is it a lifelong thing? I'm generally anti-medication, but in my case I had no choice. My mania had severed my link to reality and I was regularly endangering myself and others.
Not a story about being loved, but wanted to share in case you find this useful! Thanks for sharing your story Katie. The more people speak out about this, the more we normalise mental health disorders. I'm all for it and thank you for being part of the conversation. :)
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I was diagnosed with anxiety about four years ago. I had had panic attacks all throughout high school but my mom refused to acknowledge them and get me the help that I needed.
One day, Matt came home from work and I literally just started yelling at him about every and anything: his hair, clothes, the fact that I thought he entered the house too loudly, etc. I stead of yelling at me, he sat next to me on our couch and said, “Honey, I really think you need to talk to the doctor. You always seem to be on edge.”
And that’s when I knew it was up to ME to get myself the help that I needed. I was extremely scared of being put on Lexapro. I had seen the commercials for the medication and the never ending list of potential side effects. I was afraid that the Lexapro would change who I was. I loved myself, but not the constant feeling of worry that always plagued me. I was ready for a positive change.
Now, I feel like the absolute best version of myself. I still feel like me. I’m just so much calmer. The sky is no longer falling. And the panic attacks have vanished. Instead of falling apart when something unexpected happens (like I used to), I pivot and keep going.
We are in this together, Katie! You are one of the strongest women I know. Bipolar disorder is what you have, not who you are!
Thank you, Lauren! I really appreciate this comment. I am at the point where I am ready to think about medication, but I'm not going to lie--it terrifies me. I have a whole other post brewing in my head about my creativity and how much of it I attribute to the unmedicated brain I have. I fear that medicine will wipe out my creativity...but I also think that's a very fear-based thought that I need to work through. Stories like yours help me understand that there is a version of a medication story that is positive. So really, thanks for sharing that.
You *will* have to rediscover your creative voice as you manage your medication. There may be a period of mourning as you will put to rest the euphoria that comes with the disorder, and it feels like you've left a part of yourself behind. But you'll gain a sense of rest you may have never known existed. Just like you never knew the difference in blues. For me, without medication, I lived life at breakneck Technicolor speed, but it was impossible to maintain healthy relationships. Medicated I was slower, more deliberate, and more calculated in my thought patterns. My creativity stewed instead of exploded, and I adapted. It's a hard balance! There is a reason why the bipolar community rejects medication so much. But IMO it's worth it. Being medication compliant allows me many securities like a stable marriage, my own business and managing four kids and I don't think those would be as possible without.
So much love to the child in you who needed love, care and acceptance but met a world that said you should be able to “be better”. Sigh. Lots of prayers and love to you.
Thanks, Karen. I'm trying to be better in a way that doesn't involve "getting better." Room for growth, but also room for lots of acceptance.
I have bipolar 2 as well. Welcome to the brilliant, beautiful company of neurodivergents that we are :) You see the world with more vibrance than many and there is no shame to be had. I'm so sorry for the mother wound and I relate deeply. What a journey...
Thanks, Michelle. You inspired me a lot because I knew that you had been so open about your diagnosis, so thank you for that. I love my mom a lot, and I know that she loves me too. I guess I'm trying to figure out how to make space for loving myself as I am (a person with a mental health diagnosis) and also trying to be better for those who love me. It is really, really hard.
I'm bipolar type 1 and have been on medication since 2015. Morning pill to prevent depression which my psychiatrist says I could come off of if I really wanted to, but that he doesn't think it makes any real difference apart from giving me assurance that I am on less medication. (I did reduce my dosage recently by half, and haven't felt any change in mood.) There are no long-term side effects to this medication so there is no strong case for coming off it. The evening pill, however, is a different matter. There /are/ cardiovascular side effects, but I can't come off it because it prevents mania. And that is extremely dangerous. So this one I have to keep taking until I die and just have to monitor my blood fats and sugars and live a healthy lifestyle (diet, exercise, etc.).
Apart from making me drowsy in the evening after taking the evening pill (and its side effects of course), medication hasn't had any adverse impact on my life. Without medication, I'd probably still be in the psych ward, and that's not a nice place to be. So to this end I'm grateful I was put on it.
If you're considering medication, the most important thing I'd say is to find a psychiatrist who will educate you well on the side effects, short- and long-term. And know what the implications are of being on it: Is it a temporary thing? Is it a lifelong thing? I'm generally anti-medication, but in my case I had no choice. My mania had severed my link to reality and I was regularly endangering myself and others.
Not a story about being loved, but wanted to share in case you find this useful! Thanks for sharing your story Katie. The more people speak out about this, the more we normalise mental health disorders. I'm all for it and thank you for being part of the conversation. :)