Takes a lot of courage to share something like this, it's raw and vulnerable and that says a lot about who you are as a person - someone who is reflective and self-aware and seeking. I identify as a seeker, too. On a different side of the friendship spectrum, I have found myself in co-dependent relationships with friends, where our lives become so intertwined that it's hard to know where I end and they begin. And it's often with people that I have trouble saying no to. I wind up being a grounding anchor for their chaos. It's something I only realized at the age of 35. I've been actively working on boundaries, but guess what - when you 'change the contract' with a friend and suddenly start saying no or asking for what you need when you haven't in the past, it shifts the relationship. Sometimes ends the relationship. Anyway, all this to say is that friendship is ~ hard ~ and I admire you for putting this out there in the universe. Also. I know we just met and I live hundreds of miles away but I am pretty sure we could be friends :)
Oh, Hannah, this is so kind. I appreciate what you shared about co-dependency and boundaries. I also experienced this with a friend who I was developing a close relationship with, but when I set some boundaries to protect my energy, the relationship definitely shifted and fizzled a bit. It's so hard to know what your boundaries are until you navigate the individual connection--and it's hard to backtrack. So I feel ya there!
And I would LOVE to be writing friends and chat newsletter/writing/tarot/life with you!
Thank you for opening yourself to us like this every week 🥰 I have always been the opposite of this, I like to say I have many friends in many places and some of them I’ve known since I was a toddler.
That said, all of them are significant in different ways/levels. It’s been really hard for me making time to be on my phone with them since I’ve moved from two different countries so far. It’s really weird because I’m from the OTHER era and saying I have friends who I’m never able to see or touch is disruptive in my thought process. But I try to understand that distance doesn’t make them any less important.
Besides all this, let me tell you, I believe I’m very lucky to have met you. I was just telling Eli the other day that I was very happy because I’m making friends with people who represent so many things that I wanna become. You were 100% part of that crew. I seek for people that I can admire in friendships, people that represent nourishment to my soul as I try to do the same thing back.
You are just the best, my friend! You are such a ray of sunshine and positivity; I'm not surprised that you've always been surrounded by people. The distance piece will become very important to me as I transition out of STL, so I will definitely be leaning on you for advice and perspective. I am SO glad that we met! You have already taught me so much...you are an inspirational person!
I know this resonated with zillions of people - I am projecting a huge bump in your readership! I love your openness - I suspect all humans are cauliflower fakers in disguise!
Really loved this piece Katie! Thanks for the earnest sharing. Friend-making is a topic very close to my heart and it's something I've invested a lot of effort in these past 3-4 years. I started with reaching out to people at work to connect and have lunches (my "lunch networking" was infamous within the team). From the first lunch I could kind of tell if they wanted to be my friend (and vice versa) and if there's enough there to build a friendship, and if it's a yes I'd just keep initiating lunches. And finally once I feel we're close enough to take the friendship off the work sphere, I'd initiate dinners. That's how I made a couple of (not many, by any means) lasting friendships in recent years in my early 30s. And one of those people recently invited me to their wedding, which I was really surprised and honoured by. Since arriving in Vietnam, I've rinsed and repeated with people I come across randomly. I'd initiate coffees/brunches with friends of friends I meet at group dinners, people I meet on Facebook (Facebook groups are really useful here), and from there I've begun to create a core group of 2-3 people I think who will become lifelong friends. And that's enough for me. For me it's always been investing the time and effort in someone I think could work. And it has rarely happened effortlessly. Not sure if this helps in any way, but that's how I've been making friends. :)
Thank you, Val! This is so practical and smart. You're so right--sometimes, you've just gotta keep asking and be intentional about friendship-making. I'm no stranger to the endless "we should hang out" exchanges that I have with people that I truly like and want to connect with...we just never get past those conversations!
I appreciate you affirming that it isn't effortless...I think that's a holdover from when we were little and friendship was as easy as sharing a toy with someone!
Yup, now it's sharing a coffee/a meal instead! And sometimes those initial exchanges are effortless, but these are rare. It usually takes a couple of outings for the connection to really take root.
I appreciate you so much for sharing this perspective. I’m fortunate to have made and kept friends from different stages of life, but there are others that have fallen away. Some fell apart for more obvious reasons, but others I had a full grieving process for what I thought would be lifelong friendships. There’s a part of me that wonders if I should have made more effort. Then I realized that effort is a 2-way street. The friendships that still stand today are the ones where I can pick up the phone after not talking for 2 years and pick right up where we left off. They know that a gap in communication doesn’t change the fact that I love them and I’m rooting for them. I’ve had to embrace that my way of operating is not acceptable for everyone, and that it’s okay to have friendships that only last for a season. I believe the friends worth keeping are the ones that see the real, unfiltered you and love you for it. For the record, I’d love to be your friend! 😊
I have those "pick up where you left off" friends as well, Lauren, and they're so comforting once you have them. I guess I struggle with figuring out how to transition friendships to this place of acceptance and openness--I suppose I seek a formula for something that can't be standardized.
There's space to accept that effort can look different in different seasons of life (when someone is going through a challenging time, etc) and also holding space for your needs in a friendship...but it's so, so hard to get on the same page as someone else about that!
Yes, that’s so true! Transitioning friendships to that deeper level feels like it happens organically without really knowing why. Something I’ve been thinking about recently is how we invite people in by being vulnerable. Putting ourselves out there and being our full, authentic selves is scary, especially if we’ve been sold the lie that we’re “too much” or “not enough” the way we are. Sometimes your way isn’t the other person’s jam, and that’s okay. That has been hard for me to accept as a recovering people pleaser. :) Other times you realize that you’re the one making all the effort and getting nothing in return, and it’s time to let it go. But for the right friendships, openness creates psychological safety and a solid foundation for trust that inspires others to be themselves, too. When that happens, it’s magical!
I always come back to this post because I relate so freaking much !!! It makes me feel less alone. Recently I discovered I am a “appetizer friend” even though it’s seems really harsh and it is. I feel that it will help me on not settling, something i have done with almost and maybe all of my friendships. I know at some point I will find a friend that will appreciate me. For me it feels distant because I got betrayed so much in my friendships but I gotta give myself praise, I gotta know I’m worthy of some type of love. Also, I have read your newsletter back to back since the day I subscribed which was maybe days ago. I love how you write.
Aw thank you, Ana! I really appreciate that. And I feel that about feeling abandoned/betrayed in friendships—at the root of it, we all just want to be loved. <3
Thanks so much for sharing this. I've been thinking about it this week and have been doing a lot of reflecting on my own friendships, many of which I feel like I let go too early because I wanted to be the one to leave them instead of waiting for them to leave me for one reason or another. I realize it's a two-way street, but I think I made it harder than it needs to be to keep in touch. So, I'm better at holding onto friendships these past few years and I'm getting better at expressing my vulnerabilities, but that's a huge piece I struggle with.
I really miss the friendships of my younger years where we could hang out for hours and hours together, that turns in to days on end -- just loving being together in an effortless, close way that's not like anything else. I've definitely had a few kindred spirit friendships and I'm holding onto hope that I'll have them again at different times throughout my life. Hopefully now, I know how to truly be myself with someone and how to hold on when it's right.
Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing such truth and beauty with us!
You're so right, Amanda--things seemed so much easier when we were younger. I often wonder if the key to replicating these relationships of ease is to connect with the self I was when I was younger. I, too, have let go of friendships too soon because I got scared or was unable to push past the feelings of inadequacy. I'm continuing to sit with where I get in my own way, as you put it, when it comes to friendships. Glad it resonated with you + thank you for reading!
This touched so many nerves for me, it really resonated. I grew up in an army family, so I was always the new kid in class, and friendships never lasted longer that the posting. I have a group of friends now, but I am in the same boat as you on the whole. Sending you lots of love and hugs xx
PS - I am always here if you would like to connect x
Thanks for sharing, Tracy! I worked in a school that serviced a military base and saw a similar situation with our kiddos who were from military families. I'm so glad that you found your people...and yes, I'd love to connect more!
I can relate. I find myself now really trying to love the part of me that is scared of closeness and be the friend to myself I wish for. Making friends seems harder than ever right now - and more important. I have a few deeply close friends but I have craved community that I can fell really a part of. Yet when I try to join a group or something of the like I always find myself holding back and then saying they didn’t embrace me.  Perhaps it will always be at work in progress.
Takes a lot of courage to share something like this, it's raw and vulnerable and that says a lot about who you are as a person - someone who is reflective and self-aware and seeking. I identify as a seeker, too. On a different side of the friendship spectrum, I have found myself in co-dependent relationships with friends, where our lives become so intertwined that it's hard to know where I end and they begin. And it's often with people that I have trouble saying no to. I wind up being a grounding anchor for their chaos. It's something I only realized at the age of 35. I've been actively working on boundaries, but guess what - when you 'change the contract' with a friend and suddenly start saying no or asking for what you need when you haven't in the past, it shifts the relationship. Sometimes ends the relationship. Anyway, all this to say is that friendship is ~ hard ~ and I admire you for putting this out there in the universe. Also. I know we just met and I live hundreds of miles away but I am pretty sure we could be friends :)
Oh, Hannah, this is so kind. I appreciate what you shared about co-dependency and boundaries. I also experienced this with a friend who I was developing a close relationship with, but when I set some boundaries to protect my energy, the relationship definitely shifted and fizzled a bit. It's so hard to know what your boundaries are until you navigate the individual connection--and it's hard to backtrack. So I feel ya there!
And I would LOVE to be writing friends and chat newsletter/writing/tarot/life with you!
Thank you for opening yourself to us like this every week 🥰 I have always been the opposite of this, I like to say I have many friends in many places and some of them I’ve known since I was a toddler.
That said, all of them are significant in different ways/levels. It’s been really hard for me making time to be on my phone with them since I’ve moved from two different countries so far. It’s really weird because I’m from the OTHER era and saying I have friends who I’m never able to see or touch is disruptive in my thought process. But I try to understand that distance doesn’t make them any less important.
Besides all this, let me tell you, I believe I’m very lucky to have met you. I was just telling Eli the other day that I was very happy because I’m making friends with people who represent so many things that I wanna become. You were 100% part of that crew. I seek for people that I can admire in friendships, people that represent nourishment to my soul as I try to do the same thing back.
You are just the best, my friend! You are such a ray of sunshine and positivity; I'm not surprised that you've always been surrounded by people. The distance piece will become very important to me as I transition out of STL, so I will definitely be leaning on you for advice and perspective. I am SO glad that we met! You have already taught me so much...you are an inspirational person!
I know this resonated with zillions of people - I am projecting a huge bump in your readership! I love your openness - I suspect all humans are cauliflower fakers in disguise!
Thank you! Friendship is so hard, but I'm encouraged by how many people are also seeking meaningful relationships.
Really loved this piece Katie! Thanks for the earnest sharing. Friend-making is a topic very close to my heart and it's something I've invested a lot of effort in these past 3-4 years. I started with reaching out to people at work to connect and have lunches (my "lunch networking" was infamous within the team). From the first lunch I could kind of tell if they wanted to be my friend (and vice versa) and if there's enough there to build a friendship, and if it's a yes I'd just keep initiating lunches. And finally once I feel we're close enough to take the friendship off the work sphere, I'd initiate dinners. That's how I made a couple of (not many, by any means) lasting friendships in recent years in my early 30s. And one of those people recently invited me to their wedding, which I was really surprised and honoured by. Since arriving in Vietnam, I've rinsed and repeated with people I come across randomly. I'd initiate coffees/brunches with friends of friends I meet at group dinners, people I meet on Facebook (Facebook groups are really useful here), and from there I've begun to create a core group of 2-3 people I think who will become lifelong friends. And that's enough for me. For me it's always been investing the time and effort in someone I think could work. And it has rarely happened effortlessly. Not sure if this helps in any way, but that's how I've been making friends. :)
Thank you, Val! This is so practical and smart. You're so right--sometimes, you've just gotta keep asking and be intentional about friendship-making. I'm no stranger to the endless "we should hang out" exchanges that I have with people that I truly like and want to connect with...we just never get past those conversations!
I appreciate you affirming that it isn't effortless...I think that's a holdover from when we were little and friendship was as easy as sharing a toy with someone!
Yup, now it's sharing a coffee/a meal instead! And sometimes those initial exchanges are effortless, but these are rare. It usually takes a couple of outings for the connection to really take root.
Would love to be your friend! And I agree, I really don’t know how in a realistic way.
Online friends! Plus, I want to chat with you more about yoga :)
I appreciate you so much for sharing this perspective. I’m fortunate to have made and kept friends from different stages of life, but there are others that have fallen away. Some fell apart for more obvious reasons, but others I had a full grieving process for what I thought would be lifelong friendships. There’s a part of me that wonders if I should have made more effort. Then I realized that effort is a 2-way street. The friendships that still stand today are the ones where I can pick up the phone after not talking for 2 years and pick right up where we left off. They know that a gap in communication doesn’t change the fact that I love them and I’m rooting for them. I’ve had to embrace that my way of operating is not acceptable for everyone, and that it’s okay to have friendships that only last for a season. I believe the friends worth keeping are the ones that see the real, unfiltered you and love you for it. For the record, I’d love to be your friend! 😊
I have those "pick up where you left off" friends as well, Lauren, and they're so comforting once you have them. I guess I struggle with figuring out how to transition friendships to this place of acceptance and openness--I suppose I seek a formula for something that can't be standardized.
There's space to accept that effort can look different in different seasons of life (when someone is going through a challenging time, etc) and also holding space for your needs in a friendship...but it's so, so hard to get on the same page as someone else about that!
Yes, that’s so true! Transitioning friendships to that deeper level feels like it happens organically without really knowing why. Something I’ve been thinking about recently is how we invite people in by being vulnerable. Putting ourselves out there and being our full, authentic selves is scary, especially if we’ve been sold the lie that we’re “too much” or “not enough” the way we are. Sometimes your way isn’t the other person’s jam, and that’s okay. That has been hard for me to accept as a recovering people pleaser. :) Other times you realize that you’re the one making all the effort and getting nothing in return, and it’s time to let it go. But for the right friendships, openness creates psychological safety and a solid foundation for trust that inspires others to be themselves, too. When that happens, it’s magical!
I always come back to this post because I relate so freaking much !!! It makes me feel less alone. Recently I discovered I am a “appetizer friend” even though it’s seems really harsh and it is. I feel that it will help me on not settling, something i have done with almost and maybe all of my friendships. I know at some point I will find a friend that will appreciate me. For me it feels distant because I got betrayed so much in my friendships but I gotta give myself praise, I gotta know I’m worthy of some type of love. Also, I have read your newsletter back to back since the day I subscribed which was maybe days ago. I love how you write.
Aw thank you, Ana! I really appreciate that. And I feel that about feeling abandoned/betrayed in friendships—at the root of it, we all just want to be loved. <3
Thanks so much for sharing this. I've been thinking about it this week and have been doing a lot of reflecting on my own friendships, many of which I feel like I let go too early because I wanted to be the one to leave them instead of waiting for them to leave me for one reason or another. I realize it's a two-way street, but I think I made it harder than it needs to be to keep in touch. So, I'm better at holding onto friendships these past few years and I'm getting better at expressing my vulnerabilities, but that's a huge piece I struggle with.
I really miss the friendships of my younger years where we could hang out for hours and hours together, that turns in to days on end -- just loving being together in an effortless, close way that's not like anything else. I've definitely had a few kindred spirit friendships and I'm holding onto hope that I'll have them again at different times throughout my life. Hopefully now, I know how to truly be myself with someone and how to hold on when it's right.
Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing such truth and beauty with us!
You're so right, Amanda--things seemed so much easier when we were younger. I often wonder if the key to replicating these relationships of ease is to connect with the self I was when I was younger. I, too, have let go of friendships too soon because I got scared or was unable to push past the feelings of inadequacy. I'm continuing to sit with where I get in my own way, as you put it, when it comes to friendships. Glad it resonated with you + thank you for reading!
This touched so many nerves for me, it really resonated. I grew up in an army family, so I was always the new kid in class, and friendships never lasted longer that the posting. I have a group of friends now, but I am in the same boat as you on the whole. Sending you lots of love and hugs xx
PS - I am always here if you would like to connect x
Thanks for sharing, Tracy! I worked in a school that serviced a military base and saw a similar situation with our kiddos who were from military families. I'm so glad that you found your people...and yes, I'd love to connect more!
I can relate. I find myself now really trying to love the part of me that is scared of closeness and be the friend to myself I wish for. Making friends seems harder than ever right now - and more important. I have a few deeply close friends but I have craved community that I can fell really a part of. Yet when I try to join a group or something of the like I always find myself holding back and then saying they didn’t embrace me.  Perhaps it will always be at work in progress.